If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
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I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.