If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
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Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist