If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
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Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Oh boy, $150,000!
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.