If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
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Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy