If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
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Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.