If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
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I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.