If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
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My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Monday
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.