If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
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You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I put the h in mysterious.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
how to market bottled water to dads
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I’ve had relationships like this
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.