If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

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So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe


I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.


I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min


I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.


How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !


Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.


“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.


When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.