@writerPT

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

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@dubiousgenius

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

@RobDenBleyker

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

@RealDMK

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

@SexyInsomniac

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

@bryanmcc74

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

@paul_lander

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

@LocalButtLiker

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

@BerrymoreBlue

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.