If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
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You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
they finally got him. they got macavity
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high