If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
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You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.