If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

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Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.


Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom


We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.


Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.


Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.


Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal


[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*


T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.


Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.