If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
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every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”