If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
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Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*