If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
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Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Mad Max Arctic Road