If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
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After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
saw this in a dream
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
March 16
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆