we need to cut costs
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
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Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.