If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
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If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…