@ThatBrenna

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

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@envydatropic

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

@MarfSalvador

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

@bodegacat212

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

@JessicaFancy

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

@NathanBgood

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

@MarfSalvador

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

@QwertyJones3

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.