@envydatropic A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
@ThatBrenna If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
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@envydatropic 
@MarfSalvador me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
@bodegacat212 “The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
@JessicaFancy He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
@ReeseButCallMeV What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
@NathanBgood He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
@MarfSalvador [bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
@AbbyHasIssues Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
@QwertyJones3 I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
@TheTweetParrot Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.