If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

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Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.


I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.


Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.


In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.


People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.


I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.


Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters


As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu