If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
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Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Last-minute gift idea!
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.