@MoistPork

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

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@ranndrew

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

@Swishergirl24

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

@SomthinBoutSara

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

@UberFacts

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

@TheTweetOfGod

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

@GrrrRach

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

@weinerdog4life

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

@Xalqee

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu