If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
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this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I feel attacked.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*