If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
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I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Awesome parenting 😂
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.