If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
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Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house