If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
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The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.