If you love someone, let them sleep.
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I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.