Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?

Good times.

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

me doing my best

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.