If you love someone, let them tweet.
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Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.