If you love someone, let them tweet.
You Might Also Like
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
LOL!
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?