If you love someone, let them tweet.
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my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
If a snake ate a cake
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding