If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
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If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
2022 will be better than 2021
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.