if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
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I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting