if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
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What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?