If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
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While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours