If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
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Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
It’s an epidemic…
[eats all your cotton candy]
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Who chose this font
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?