If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
You Might Also Like
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Just a friendly reminder!
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya