@yoyoha

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

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@VaChina1

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

@coketruck76

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

@mrtruthandsoul

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

@GianDoh

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

@mrtruthandsoul

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

@Contwixt

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

@Hadzilla

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

@curlycomedy

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

@Lowenaffchen

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

@Brentweets

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.