If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

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Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight


13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go


Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?


I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.


I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones


The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.


At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table


Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!


My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work


I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.