If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
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I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait