If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
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A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Ugh but profoundly
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
The answer is funnier than the question
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.