If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
You Might Also Like
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.