If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
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Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum