@kelkulus Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
@Playing_Dad If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
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@kelkulus 
@disco_bird All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
@TheAlexNevil Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
@joshfadem Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
@KateWhineHall Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
@ClickBaite Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
@HomeProbably Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
@yungk0ala one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
@XplodingUnicorn I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
@_davidlucas_ She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones