If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

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Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.


All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.


Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.


Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.


Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.


Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now


Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.


one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭


I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”