If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
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Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Got ya covered
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
This kinda thing happens to me often
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”