If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
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Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Not today
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.