“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
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[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
do horses think humans are hats
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.