@STRIKINGxVIKING

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

You Might Also Like

@WilliamAder

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

@Jake_Vig

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

@truegritrumble

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

@SondraDeeMe

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

@Paxochka

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

@MattMcElaney

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

@deathoftheparty

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

@InternetHippo

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard