If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
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when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀