if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
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The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
BaD BoY!!
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat