If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
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I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam