If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
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Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?