@Smooheed

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

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@st__arving

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

@kv8

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

@bridger_w

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

@dafloydsta

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

@visionbored2

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

@3sunzzz

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

@thegreatnanak

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

@UnFitz

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

@copymama

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.