If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
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Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
What personal space?
My dog
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter