If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
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[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Ha.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted