If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
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If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
*pronounces patio like ratio
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that