If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
You Might Also Like
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much