@bridger_w

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

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@noog

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

@iamfacciabella

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

@ilovepie84

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

@geekysteven

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

@JennyJohnsonHi5

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

@frenziedlanes

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

@RobDenBleyker

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

@KayRants

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

@ieatanddrink

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

@mazizkhalifa

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’