Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.