If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

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Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.


Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.


I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.


Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings


‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.


Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week


I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.


Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.


Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”


Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’