If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
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Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
bears
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
what it’s like dating me:
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.