If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
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True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Saturday