If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
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*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.