If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
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*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands