If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
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Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.