If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
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FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
