If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
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Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.